My Body Is My Power

At nine years old, I had my first sexual experience. It was against my will and it would continue for three consecutive years, almost daily. The perpetrator was my mother’s brother who was supposed to be adopting me because my parents had both gone to prison. I self mutilated to cope and by the time the abuse ended, I was a hollow shell of a person. I had no idea who I was, I trusted no one and I thought the only way someone could show you love, was through unwanted sexual behavior. I carried this philosophy with me throughout my high school years. I excluded myself from any part of life that was not attention seeking from men, as that was the only way I could feel anything, or so I thought. After trying on a few different addictions, I finally began the journey of recovery. I was able to work to heal from the self inflicted trauma that was a result of my attempt at handling my sexual abuse and that healing work is a continued effort. However, I always seemed to come up against the sexual abuse and I would feel as though I had hit a wall. I had no idea how to even begin to heal from that. As a consequence of my sexual abuse, sex was always shameful and scary to me, regardless of my love for my partner, and their love for me. Then, this past February, on a whim, and maybe while I was crazy enough to be so courageous, I decided to make a book of nude pictures of myself for my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day. I felt great about being nude and I felt great about the pictures. The photographer told me I had potential and again, I was feeling crazy enough to believe him, so I started slowly sharing the photos. Things have snowballed since then and I share nude pictures of myself online now. What does that have to do with sexual trauma? Well, I couldn’t have had any idea this was going to happen, but in posting my own pictures and maneuvering the attention from that, I have experienced control of my sexuality for the first time, ever. I feel free to be as sexual or as non sexual as I want to be. I have never felt so empowered and I have never felt so good about sex. What once felt shameful and scary, now feels exciting and fun. I’m learning how to ask for what I want and I’m learning how to receive that, in a healthy way. In making the choice to share myself with the world in such a vulnerable way, I’ve taken back my power from my abuser. I suppose the situation is analogous to being ridiculed: The fun is taken away from the people laughing when you can laugh at yourself. Well, my abuser stripping me naked is no longer as powerful because I’m choosing to strip myself naked now, emotionally, physically and mentally. The shame is gone and the self worth is here. That’s not to say my work is done, as work on ourselves never is, but more days than not, I’m feeling confident, sexy and strong and it all started with sending nudes!